Friday, June 23, 2006

Lasik @ Home!

Are you tired of wearing those glasses? Do you think that Lasik surgery is way out of your price range? Well let me introduce you to the Scal-Pal. That's right, for the measely price of $99.95, you too can reap the benefits of expensice Lasik surgery in the privacy and comfort of your home.

The Complete LASIK@Home Kit (patent pending) includes everything you need to complete the procedure.
  • Scal-Pal™ Hand-Operated Combination Femtosecond/Excimer Laser - A real laser!
  • Mild sedative (diazepam 4mg) - I'd pay the $99.95 for the sedative alone.
  • No-Blink™ brand Eye Drops - Don't Blink!!! More on that later.
  • Detailed Instructions and QuickStart Guide - Just four easy steps.
  • Protective Post-Op Sleep Mask - You're going to need a lot of sleep after this.
From what I can tell, these guys are serious. However, you won't find me shooting a laser into my own eye. What if I had an itch? As you can see in the below instructions, which are in cartoon form, even blinking can be disastrous. I like how every page has a footnote that reads "*This statement has not been evaluated by the FDA."

The instructions also show the added benefits of diy Lasik. Apparently, the laser shoots past your eye and into your brain. As it etches information into your gray matter, you will be granted enhanced archery, piloting, romantic and artistic skills.

I think my biggest question is, what do you do with the laser after you're done with your self-surgery. I'll bet you can cut stuff with it. That would be cool. Do you have any ideas?

Correlation: When you are trying to implement a process change without the proper support, DON'T BLINK!!!

*This post has not been evaluated by the FDA.

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